|
|
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His buddy looks at him and
says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into
the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the
closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about
a little?' and she pretends that she's asleep!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tarzan
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company. Having no mate, he used suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
Transfixed, she watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. Racked with pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always
check for squirrels."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PENIS STUDY
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with
these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of
around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying
off and hitting him in the forehead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Ford Goes to Heaven
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, 'Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.'
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.'
So St. Peter points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?'
Adam says: 'Yes.'
'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention :
There is too much front
end protrusion
It chatters at high speeds
The rear end wobbles too
much
And the intake is too close
to the exhaust.'
'Hmmmmm..' says Adam, 'hold
on'. So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes,
and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and
Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed,
but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention
than yours.'