We either have been, or will
be, put in the position of
comforting someone who is in grief.
That is an important role played
by good friends. The most common
question I hear on such occasions is,
"What should I say?" We want to help,
but we feel helpless to make a
difference in the face of such tragedy.
I have often remembered a
story told by Joseph Baylys when
I struggle to say the "right thing"
to someone who is hurting.
Mr. Baylys lost three children to death over the course of
several years. He wrote a book called,
*The View From A Hearse*, in
which he talks about his grief. He
says this about comforting those
who grieve:
"I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me
of God's dealings, of why it happened,
of hope beyond the grave. He
said things I knew were true. I was
unmoved, except to wish he would
go away. He finally did. Someone
else came and sat beside me. He
didn't talk. He didn't ask leading
questions. He just sat with me for
an hour or more, listened when I
said something, answered briefly,
prayed simply, left. I was moved.
I was comforted. I hated to see him
go."
I have found Joseph Baylys experience to be excruciatingly
typical. Both men wanted to help.
Both men cared. But only one truly
comforted. The difference was this:
One tried to make him feel better. The other just let him
feel.
One tried to say the right things. The other listened.
One told him it would be all right. The other shared his pain.
When put in the difficult position of comforting someone in
emotional pain, sometimes what needs
to be said can be said best with
a soft touch or a listening ear.
It may not seem like much, but it can
be more than you will ever know.
--------------------
Bil Keane is the talented artist
and humorist who creates the
"Family Circus" cartoon. One day,
his small son, Jeffy, observed him
penciling one of the cartoons. "Daddy,"
he asked, "how do you know
what to draw?"
"God tells me," his father replied.
Then Jeffy said, "Why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
Isn't that the way it is with us? Too often, I find myself
with
a map in one hand and an eraser in
the other. I want to discover and
follow the path laid out for me,
but I also want to change part of the
route at times. Too often, I want
to travel an easier path, a more
familiar road, or a more comfortable
one.
A radio interviewer once said to a player on a championship
basketball team: "You are all such
talented players. You each have
incredible ability. Don't you sometimes
want to do your own thing?
Isn't it hard for you to do it the
coach's way?"
"Oh, no," the player responded. "You see, his way IS our way."
I am learning that as we journey this path of life, the
coach's
way IS our way. We don't have to
be afraid to throw away the eraser
and trust the map, even when the
way is rough.
--------------------
An old story is re-surfacing about
a young woman who entered a
convent to prepare herself for a
life of celibacy and service. The
institution was one of a very strict
order. Besides other regulations,
the convent enforced a requirement
of silence -- not a word dare be
uttered. Mother Superior explained
to the new recruit that this rule
of silence was rigid. However, once
every five years just two words
could be spoken.
At the end of the first five years of service the young
woman was called in and instructed
that she had earned the privilege
of expressing two words. What would
they be?
Her answer? "Food rotten!"
Five years later she was again afforded the rare privilege of
speaking two more words. What would
she say this time?
"Beds hard!"
The third time she was called in the woman proclaimed in
exasperation, "I quit!"
"Well, good riddance," responded Mother Superior. "All you
have ever done since you've been
here is to complain!"
It is said that God gives us faces; but we create our own
expressions. What expressions are
you creating today?
--------------------
I read of a New Jersey artist who
capitalized on people's
needless guilt by selling them "guilt
kits." Each kit contained ten
disposable brown paper bags and a
set of instructions which said,
"Place bag securely over your mouth,
take a deep breath and blow the
guilt out. Dispose of bag immediately."
Amazingly, about 2500 kits
sold at $2.50 each! The artist was
in tune with just how badly many
people feel about themselves.
I understand the use of the kit as a symbol of ridding
ourselves of destructive guilt. But
guilt might better be handled at
it's root. To live free from needless
guilt, try these steps:
1. If a mistake
was made, resolve never to repeat that mistake.
The whole function of guilt is to
change behavior.
2. Seek forgiveness
from any others who were affected, if
possible.
3. Use your spiritual
resources. There is great power in knowing
that, in an ultimate sense, you are
forgiven.
4. Forgive yourself.
No purpose is served in continuing to feel
badly.
If you follow these steps to a life free from unnecessary
guilt, I believe that you will find
that you are happier and
healthier -- and you can save the
brown paper bags for lunch!
--------------------
I understand that it was Robert Louis
Stevenson who penned
this prescription for happiness.
It bears remembering and repeating.
+ Make up your mind to be happy.
Learn to find pleasure in simple
things.
+ Make the best of your circumstances.
No one has everything and
everyone has something of sorrow
intermingled with the gladness of
life. The trick is to make the laughter
outweigh the tears. Don't take
yourself too seriously.
+ You can't please everybody;
don't let criticism worry you.
+ Don't let your neighbor set
your standards.
+ Do the things you enjoy doing,
but stay out of debt.
+ Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary
things are harder to bear than the
actual ones.
+ Since hate poisons the soul,
do not cherish enmities and grudges.
+ Don't hold post-mortems.
Don't spend your life brooding over
sorrows and mistakes. Don't be one
who never gets over things.
+ Do what you can for those
less fortunate than yourself.
+ Keep busy at something. A
very busy person never has time to be
unhappy.
--------------------
Not every Marine is a hero! During
field training exercises at
Parris Island, South Carolina, one
drill instructor threw a pine cone
among the recruits and yelled, "Grenade!"
The trainees immediately turned away and hit the ground. "Just
as I suspected," chided the DI. "Not
a hero among you! Didn't anyone
want to jump on that grenade to save
the others?"
A little later the instructor threw another pine cone and
yelled, "Grenade!" This time, all
the recruits but one jumped on the
"explosive."
"Why are you still standing there?" the DI demanded.
"Sir," the recruit replied, "someone had to live to tell about
it."
Not everyone is a hero. But then, not every hero is instantly
recognizable. For heroes do not always
wear uniforms and perform
mighty acts of valor.
Do you know a hero? I think that perhaps you do. Heroes, you
see, can be found in some of the
most unexpected places!
I have known young mothers, bravely fighting against cancer
from a hospital bed, but putting
aside their pain long enough every
day in order to smile and laugh with
their children. And I have
watched their husbands fill the roles
of single parent and financial
provider and spend every remaining
moment sitting at their mate's
bedside, valiantly encouraging and
offering whatever hope they can
muster.
I have known talented teachers, who could have worked at far
more lucrative professions, yet who
were determined to stay in a
disadvantaged school in the hope
that some of their kids might
succeed.
I have known students who, against great obstacles at home,
persevere in the hope of someday
"making something" of themselves.
I have known people from all walks of life face their
difficulties with optimism, determination
and courage, daily
overcoming the impossible. These
are the heroes among us.
Many of the world's true heroes have never seen battle, cannot
compete athletically and will never
sing in a pop band. They have been
too busy courageously plodding away.
Do you know a hero? Perhaps one lives in your home. And
perhaps one looks back at you from
the mirror. It is these "everyday"
heroes who remind us that anything
is possible, one day at a time.
--------------------
Do you know the story of the touchstone?
It tells about a
fortunate man who was told that if
he should possess the
"touchstone" its magical powers could
give him anything he wanted.
The touchstone could be found, he
was informed, among the pebbles of a
certain beach. All he need do is
pick up a stone -- if it feels warm
to the touch, unlike the other pebbles,
he has found the magical
touchstone.
The man went immediately to the beach and began picking up
stones. When he grasped a pebble
that felt cold, he threw it into the
sea. This practice he continued hour
after hour, day after day, week
after week. Each pebble felt cold.
Each pebble was immediately tossed
into the sea.
But then, late one morning, he happened to take hold of a
pebble which felt warm, unlike the
other stones. The man, who's
conscience had barely registered
the difference... tossed it into the
sea. He hadn't meant to, but he had
formed a habit!
Any behavior that we repeat, we reinforce. Repeat it often
enough and it becomes habit. That,
of course, can work to our
advantage or work against us, depending
on the behavior.
Is there a behavior you would like to make into a habit? Then
reinforce it by repeating that behavior
at every opportunity. In this
manner, your life will, day by day,
become filled with the kinds of
habits that build beautiful lives.
--------------------
